Constructing our company profile
10 Jan 2023 - by: Darkwraith Covenant
To get inspiration for writing a company profile for Darkwraith Covenant Industries, Incorporated, I went all the way back as far as possible in the wayback machine. The Wayback Machine is one of my favorite ways to get transported back to a certain time, and not only can we get an idea of the zeitgeist of the time design-wise, we can get an idea of how large companies like Microsoft, Northrop Grumman, Raytheon, Google, and Fox News wrote copy for their company biographies.
In searching for an about section for inspiration, I found the Microsoft Annual report website, which is still up here: Microsoft Investor Report
Here is a great example: https://www.microsoft.com/investor/reports/ar98/mdna.htm
Under Results of Operations for 1996, 1997, and 1998, the text is as follows:
Microsoft develops, manufactures, licenses, and supports a wide range of software products, including scalable operating systems for intelligent devices, personal computers (PCs), and servers; server applications for client/server environments; business and consumer productivity applications; software development tools; and Internet and intranet software and technologies. The Company’s interactive efforts include entertainment and information software programs; MSN, the Microsoft Network online service; Internet-based services; and alliances with companies involved with various forms of digital interactivity. Microsoft also sells personal computer input devices and books, and researches and develops advanced technologies for future software products.
It’s a decent example of what I’m looking for, in that it’s to the point, corporate sounding, and doesn’t mince words about the company’s brute force achievements. I found it funny to think that the investors reading this would eventually see the dot com bubble burst spectacularly, wiping out an unfathomable $5 Trillion in market value or that Microsoft would soon be whipped into shape by the US Department of Justice.
Here is what I came up with for version 1.0 of this company bio.
🗡️🗡️🗡️ Darkwraith Covenant is a Misfortune 500 company based out of the Silicon Forest in Portland, OR. We are an Occultist⛧ Paramilitary🪖 Defense🚀 Corporation📈, specializing in heavy industry🏭, noise research & production🔊, and propaganda dissemination📰. Our company is made up of the following divisions: Electronic Signals Intelligence, Psychotronic Warfare, Aural Weapons Research, and Agitprop and Subliminal Messaging program. DWC Inc also sells clothing products made as ethically as possible, to the disappointment of our Board of Directors, who are heavily invested in the suffering of marginalized humans in the Global South.🗡️🗡️🗡️
I wanted to take it further, and I decided to try out an AI based biography generator at Writesonic. This is what it came up with:
Welcome to Darkwraith Covenant Industries Incorporated! We are a Misfortune 500 company based out of the Silicon Forest in Portland, OR.
At DWC, we specialize in heavy industry, noise research & production, and propaganda dissemination. We are an Occultist Paramilitary Defense Corporation, driven by the will to provide our clients with the best service possible.
Our team is made up of four divisions: Electronic Signals Intelligence, Psychotronic Warfare, Aural Weapons Research, and Agitprop and Subliminal Messaging program. We strive to stay ahead of the times and are constantly innovating new strategies and tech to keep our clients safe.
On top of our high-end defense services, we also offer a variety of clothing products made as ethically as possible, despite the disappointment of our Board of Directors.
At Darkwraith Covenant Industries Incorporated, we take pride in providing our customers with the highest quality products and services. If you’re looking for the best in defense and apparel, look no further than DWC!
Not bad, but the tone isn’t right, I set it to excited and it’s not dark enough. Too chipper, and it’s kind of a funny juxtaposition between the tone and the content, would be a funny bit for something else.
The changes were incredible. It definitely seemed to understand what I was going for and nailed the tone perfectly. Here are some pretty great lines that were generated by ML:
Darkwraith Covenant is a name that strikes fear and awe into the
hearts of many, and for good reason.
So if you're looking for a Misfortune 500 company that is dedicated to the
advancement of the dark arts and Paramilitary Defense, then Darkwraith
Covenant Industries Incorporated is the perfect choice for you.
At Darkwraith Covenant, we take our power and influence seriously.
We are a force to be reckoned with and a provider of quality services to our customers.
I mean it does not get more menacing than that. And the gag about the board of directors is pure ironic macabre hilarity, as intended.
Here is the final draft:
🗡️🗡️🗡️Darkwraith Covenant Industries Inc. is a name that strikes fear and awe into the hearts of many, and for good reason.
We are a Misfortune 500 company based out of the
Silicon Forest🌲 in Portland, OR, specializing in the dark arts of Occultism⛧ and
Paramilitary🪖 Defense🚀. Our divisions are dedicated to the advancement of heavy
industry🏭, noise research🔊, video production🎥, and propaganda dissemination📺. We have
a great many tools in our arsenal to ensure that the dark powers☠️ behind us are always
given the upper hand🫴🏽.
From our Electronic Signals Intelligence📡, Psychotronic Warfare🧠, and Aural Weapons
Research🔇 divisions, we seek out the most advanced, cutting-edge technology and weaponry
to dominate the battlefield☢️ and conquer our enemies☣️. Our Agitprop and Subliminal
Messaging📰 programs are also used to spread disinformation🥸 and propaganda🗞️, so that
our opponents are never fully aware of the true extent of our power.
But we are also a company that cares, and while our Board of Directors may be heavily
invested in the suffering of marginalized people in the Global South🌍, we also strive to
do what we can to produce clothing products as ethically as possible👕. Darkwraith Covenant
is committed to ensuring that our products are made with the utmost care and respect for
those who use them.
Nevertheless, Darkwraith Covenant is a force to be reckoned with. Our advanced technology,combined with our will to succeed,
will continue to drive our success for years to come🗡️🗡️🗡️
I am quite happy with these results. That Skynet lookin ass (I joke I joke, please don’t torture my uploaded avatar in digital limbo for all eternity) definitely took this to a ridiculous(ly dark) level.
